Light in the dark
by margot67
Summary: Since the day Patrick Jane lost his family, a dark shadow has been following him. When the shadow finds himself a new companion - migraine - Jane realises he can't go on like that. One Friday night he finally admits to himself that Teresa Lisbon has been his light in the dark and he pays her a visit. How will their lives change after this weekend? Will they find their happy ending?
1. Chapter 1

**Note: It's my first ff about The Mentalist. I haven't written fanfics in a really long time, but this idea came to my mind and here we are today. English is my second language so I apologize for any mistakes. I have at least one more chapter in mind but we'll see how it turns out. Reviews are more than welcome as I might have got out of practice. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

The wall felt pleasurably cold against his naked back. Brisk night air coming through the opened balcony door played with his wet blond hair. He felt a shiver come down his spine.

The lights in the bathroom were still on and created a small yellow rectangle in the corner of the room. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, taking in the smell of woods nearby. This oh-so-familiar scent of pine trees and wet soil. Suddenly, a thunder shook up the house, startling him a bit. The wind became boisterous, making the white sheer curtains wave even more.

Jane slowly opened his eyes and looked at the night sky. He saw lightnings playing in clouds like fireworks on the 4th of July. The thunders made the painful pounding in his temple even more uncomfortable. He was exhausted, even though they had had a pretty boring two weeks without any case to solve. Apparently no one wanted to murder anyone in California, which was obviously good, but the lack of things to do made Jane overthink things he used to shut down and ignore.

Since the day of his wife and daughter's tragic deaths, he had felt a dark and heavy shadow following him around. Some days it didn't bother him much and some days it pressed down on his shoulders and chest until Jane had to remind himself to breathe again.

Last Friday had been one of those darker days. He didn't even know what triggered this, it was just a normal Friday. The only thing he knew was that the shadow found himself a new companion – migraine.

He lied down on his mattress and stared into the ceiling. He knew he wouldn't sleep this night, so he just tried to make the sound of pouring rain calm down his nerves. It didn't go as planned. Instead of relaxing, the rain reminded him of his wife and the day he'd met her.

She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He knew it sounded cheesy, but that was the truth. She had looked breathtaking running down the park aisle, trying to avoid the rain. Then she had slipped on a wet stone and fell down. He hadn't even thought when he'd run to help her get up. He'd stared into her eyes and immediately fallen in love with her.

Now, lying down in an empty bedroom, he saw her so vividly, he almost believed that she was here. But then he looked at the red smiley face on the wall and once again felt a massive weight on his chest and a sharp sting in his temple.

He forced himself not to remember his daughter. He didn't want to follow this pattern, like he used to for the last couple of years. There wasn't a day when he didn't think about them but this night it would be too painful for him. He had already suffered a lot during last week.

He needed to distract himself. He got up and went out on the balcony, even though it was still raining. His gaze was automatically fixed on a big plant standing in the corner. The corners of his mouth went up a little, as he pictured the person who gave this to him. He sat down on the cold ground right in front of it and started caressing its leaves. He wished that his gentle strokes somehow transfer through the plant onto the giver.

Jane knew thinking about her was also a bad idea but after all those years it became his coping mechanism. A mere memory of her never failed to help him fall asleep.

She wasn't as beautiful or as elegant as his wife. She was petite, but tried to make up for her figure with her stubborn and fierceful attitude. She frowned a lot and didn't try to be likeable. But when she smiled – oh God, it was a sight to see. Making her smile was his everyday goal.

She was so different from his wife and he found that amusing. Angela was the love of his life, but somewhere along the way, Lisbon started appearing in his thoughts more and more often. He didn't know yet if what he felt for her was gratitude, respect or... love. He hoped he would figure it out someday.

He really liked spending time with her. Somehow she made this dark shadow disappear or at least made it lighter.

 _I need her._

As this thought entered his mind, the pain became unbearable. He wanted to feel light again. Carefree. And he knew only she could make him feel like that.

Not thinking much about the hour, Jane went back into the bedroom, put on some shirt that was lying on the ground, not even minding to button it up. He sprinted down the stairs and in no time found himself in front of her door.

He rang the bell and waited anxiously. "I need to see her" and "I need to make it go away" were the only things on his mind now.

\- What the hell, Jane! It's two in the morning!

Lisbon stood in the doorway, dressed in a Chicago Bears jersey, her hair messy and an angry look on her face. He looked at her and suddenly, he felt like a fresh breeze just entered his mind.

\- Teresa, I need you.

The look on Lisbon's face suddenly changed. Only now she had woken up enough to notice Jane's state. She had never seen him like that and it scared her.

\- Come in. - She said gently, stepping aside and letting him enter her dark apartment.

He looked around the living room but nothing much changed since the last time he'd been here. Lisbon studied him suspiciously. He looked so lost, so hurt, so... fragile. When he was being his irritating self, it was easy for her to ignore her feelings for him. But now she couldn't deny them anymore. Not when he _needed_ her.

She wanted to hold him in her arms and make all the pain go away. She wanted to protect him from the evil world. She so badly wanted to do something to make him feel better.

\- Would you like some tea?

\- Yes, please.

 _His voice is so weak_.

As she was putting the kettle on, she felt his gaze on her neck. She turned around and found him quickly wipe away a tear. When they eyes met, it was it for her. The tea wasn't enough. She ran up to him and hugged him as tightly as she could.

Jane burried his face into her hair and just breathed in her smell. It felt so good. He didn't notice how cold he was until he felt her warm body against his. The warmth slowly started to fill his insides. Only when she started caressing his hair, he felt tears running down his face.

Normally he wouldn't let anyone experience him in this state but he just couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't carry on by himself. He weeped like he hadn't in a long time. The tears of grief, tiredness and... relief.

\- Shh, it's alright. You're safe. - She whispered in his ear, gently stroking his hair and crying with him. - You're with me.

After a few minutes he calmed down, but neither of them pulled apart. They stayed embraced in each other's arms for what felt like eternity. Jane knew he had made the right decision to come here. Having Lisbon so close to his heart felt right... Like it was meant to be.

She pulled away just a little bit and put her hands on both of his cheeks. He kept his eyes closed as she wiped the tears from his face that hadn't dried out.

\- I'm here for you. I'll always be.

Her voice sounded so nice in his ears. So clear. The migraine was gone. The shadow ran away, but Jane knew it would come back. Suddenly he felt a kiss on his eyelid. It was light as a feather. Then another kiss on the other lid.

He didn't want to open his eyes because he worried that this whole situation was just a dream and that he'd wake up in his bedroom. But her warm breath on his cheek felt so real. He gave in.

The amount of emotions Lisbon saw in his blue eyes was overwhelming. His look was so intense that she felt her heart beat faster. They both wanted to say so much, yet not speak a word. And somehow, they understood each other. They didn't need words to describe how they felt. Jane's gaze finally shifted from her eyes.

\- Thank you. - He murmured. - So... about that tea.

After a couple of minutes they sat down on the couch, drinking hot tea and eating sandwiches that Lisbon quickly fixed. This little snack made Jane feel a lot better. They didn't mind the silence. It was actually comforting.

They were sitting close to each other but weren't touching. This space between them started to bother Jane. He wanted to feel her warmth again, so he took her hand and looked at her. Only now he noticed dark circles under her eyes and a few streams of dried tears on her cheeks.

\- Teresa, I... - He paused, looking for the right words. - I'm sorry I woke you up, I didn't mean to bother you this late at night. It's just that... I couldn't take this pain anymore. I couldn't do this alone. And I realised that you've been the only light for me at night. The thought of you has helped me through my darkest times. So when tonight happened to be one of those times, I knew that you were the only one who could make me feel better. And you did.

She didn't know what to say, so she just squeezed his hand and smiled softly. This smile made him realise what he really felt for her. He stared at her and found himself lost in her comforting and loving eyes.

\- I think I've fallen in love with you. - He heard his own voice. He didn't intend to say that. It just sort of... slipped out. But as these words hung in the air, the feelings they both tried to suppress so hard started ascending to the surface.

He pulled a piece of hair behind her ear and leaned in closer. Since she had answered the door, everything they did, everything they experienced, felt just right. The stars were finally aligned.

So Jane decided to fulfill his fate. He kissed her and for this couple of seconds he finally was at peace. He tried for so long to pretend like he hadn't had feelings for her. It had always stressed him out when he'd found himself thinking about her romantically. He had tried to look at her like her smile hadn't made his heart skip a beat. Like he hadn't ever lost himself in her eyes.

But now, when they pulled away, he could finally look at her peacefully and take in her beauty. Only now he noticed little freckles on her nose and a scar on her temple. He found himself trying to memorize every part of her face. And then she smiled and caressed his cheek. He heard her whisper:

\- I think I've fallen for you, too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dislaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

First, he felt a light scent of cinnamon. It reminded him of Sunday mornings in his teenage years, when Samantha* used to bake cinnamon rolls and give some of them to Jane and his father. He hadn't eaten them in years.

Then, a brisk morning breeze brushed against his feet that were sticking out of the blanket. A shiver went down his spine, so he quickly covered his legs.

Finally, he lazily opened his eyes and saw a small figure lying beside him.

 _-_ _I won't let you go home. You can't be alone._

 _\- I don't want to be alone._

 _\- Goo_ _d_ _. You're staying with me._

She turned on her back and he could see early rays of sunshine reflecting on her pale skin. He watched her chest move up and down as she was breathing. She looked so beautiful in her sleep. So peaceful and calm, unlike when she was awake, managing her team and dealing with his many mischiefs. For a minute he was sorry for making her angry and stressed so often. He obviously hadn't been making her job easier.

 _-_ _Are you sure? I can sleep on the couch._

 _\- You really don't want to. You'll wake up with a backache. Besides, you could use some human contact, couldn't you?_

 _\- You're right. Thanks, Lisbon._

 _\- But for your information, I'll kick you out as soon as you start snoring._

 _\- Deal._

Jane felt like it had been hours since he woken up. He just couldn't stop looking at her. Suddenly, a faint smile appeared on her face and she murmured:

\- Your eyes are blue...**

He gently caressed her cheek and then got out of bed. He put his shirt from last night, went to the kitchen and started preparing breakfast.

\- Goooood morning Sacramento! It looks like summer is still around and doesn't want to go away. With 78 degrees Fahrenheit and a beautiful clear sky, it's a perfect day to enjoy the last days of warm weather, as we're expecting a major shift in temperature at the end of next week. To help us all get out of bed with a smile, let's listen to some old classics. Ladies and gentlemen – "Superstition" by the one and only... Stevie Wonder. Enjoy.

As soon as she saw that the other side of bed is empty, Lisbon thought that Jane had gone away. To her surprise, she found him sitting at her kitchen table, reading today's newspaper and tapping his finger to the beat of the song on the radio.

\- Jane? - She asked, amazed by the smell of all the food that was on the table.

\- Oh, you're finally awake! Your coffee has already cooled down.

He stood up, sending her his famous grin and heated up the pot.

\- What time is it? - She sat down in front of him, still a bit shocked.

\- Almost 8:30.

Another song started to play and Lisbon couldn't help but smile. She didn't remember when was the last time she had cooked something. Maybe she still wasn't fully awake, but this whole situation felt unreal to her.

\- I went out of my way to prepare you an amazing breakfast and you just sit here, smiling and staring at me like a lunatic. - He joked. - You should try the pancakes. They're quite good, in my opinion.

\- Patrick... - She said softly and her use of his first name made him look up. - You didn't have to.

\- It's my way of saying "thank you". You could've left me outside but you didn't. You helped me and I'm grateful for that.

\- We're friends, Jane. How could I do otherwise?

She held the eye contact for a few seconds and then started eating. The pancakes weren't "quite good" – they were amazing. And the coffee was made exactly how she liked it. After all those years he obviously knew stuff like that.

\- For once you and surprise doesn't equal me getting you out of trouble and having massive paperwork to do later. - She laughed.

\- What about the pony? - He asked, playing along with her joke, but her statement made him remember what he was thinking while she was still asleep.

\- It was an exception.

He laughed with her, trying to ignore the sudden guilt that he felt. After she finished her coffee, he stood up and refilled her cup. They enjoyed the delicious breakfast and each other's company, listening to the radio.

\- I'm so full. - She stated, sitting back in her chair and putting a hand on her stomach. - You never told me if you slept well.

\- Honestly, Lisbon, I slept like a baby. - He answered. - I fell asleep a couple of minutes after I laid my head on the pillow. It haven't happened in years.

\- I'm glad to hear that. - She smiled and stood up to put her plate in the sink.

\- You know, you were talking in your sleep. - He shouted, wanting to tease her a little. He enjoyed making her blush as much as making her smile.

\- W-what did I say? - She asked, remembering her dream. Jane obviously couldn't stop himself from embarassing her even for a moment.

\- Were you dreaming about me? - He ignored her question, even though he already knew the answer. He saw it in her eyes.

\- No! - She said, but they both knew she was lying. Similar situations had happened thousands of times and she still couldn't admit that he was reading her like a book. - Fine, I had a dream about you. Happy?

\- Oh yeah. - Jane grinned.

\- Do we have to repeat this pattern every time? - She asked, sitting back in her chair. - You ask me a question you already know the answer to. I deny it, because I don't want you to know that. You look at me all mentalist-y and I give you your answer. Then I ask how you know that and you either tell me, making me want to escape to a deserted island where you can't read me, or you leave without answer and also make me want to escape.

\- We should go on a vacation then. - He laughed, seeing that she also wasn't serious.

He knew he sometimes made her uncomfortable, but if she hadn't enjoyed their "thing" just a little bit, she would've already done something about it. She giggled and suddenly he felt butterflies in his stomach.

\- What did I say then? - She asked, curious and still a bit embarassed.

\- "Your eyes are blue".

\- Really? It could be anyone! You're not the only person I know that has blue eyes.

\- Well, there was some kind of possibility that it wasn't me, but... - Jane paused, looking for the right words.

\- But what? What made you believe that I was talking to you in my dream? - "How tables have turned", she thought.

\- I don't know. Maybe it was the way you said it or maybe I just hoped it was me...

\- Oh...

His words made them remember last night, when they were sitting on her couch, drinking tea. They both felt uncomfortable with this sudden tension. Lisbon stood up and started cleaning up the table, while Jane just sat there, listening to the 9 am news on the radio.

\- Do you have some plans for today? - She asked, trying to sound like his confession hadn't made her heart skip a beat.

\- No, not in particular. You?

\- Me neither. - She answered, hating every second of this awkward situation. - Well, I heard that they opened a new exhibition in this one museum. It sounded interesting. Maybe we could go together?

\- Like on a date? - Jane turned around in his chair to face her.

\- Yeah, why not. - She smiled. - Only if you buy me some ice cream.

\- Ice cream it is.

* Samantha Barsocky - appeared in 3x02 and 5x22, she's an old friend of Jane's, works in a circus

** in 5x09 Jane and Lisbon wait in a house on-sale. Lisbon soon falls asleep and then mumbles something. I believe she says "Your eyes are blue" and I thought it would be a nice touch in the story.

 **Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. To make things clear – the events in the first chapter happen during a Friday night, so this chapter starts on a Saturday morning. Also, the story is set somewhere during the second or the third season. I started to really like this storyline and I've got ideas for another 2-4 chapters, but college starts soon and I don't know how much time I'll have. I promise I'll try my best :) Reviews are as usual very appreciated, as I want to improve both in my writing skills and language. Take care!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: Thank you to everyone who gave me a review! I really appreciate the feedback. This one is a bit longer, hope you enjoy!**

 **Dislaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

\- I never knew they did such things.

\- I never expected that I'll live to the day that Patrick Jane doesn't know something and admits it!

\- Oh come on, I'm not an encyclopedia.

\- Sometimes I doubt that.

They walked slowly around the new exhibiton about everyday lives of ancient Romans. Lisbon enjoyed it a lot. She usually didn't go to events like this, even though she really wanted to, because it wasn't that fun without someone to experience it with. She had tried a couple of times to go alone, but had regretted it later. She was happy that Jane had decided to come with her. It was actually amusing to see him in a different environment, where he wasn't his usual all-knowing self.

The exhibition turned out to be much bigger than they had expected, so after roughly two hours they decided that they had seen the most important exhibits and left the museum.

\- So what now? - He asked, looking around the street.

\- You promised me ice cream, remember? - She smiled.

\- Right. I know the perfect place. Let's walk, it's not that far away.

They walked down the street and discussed some things they had seen at the museum. The weather turned out to be just like they had said in the radio – warm and without a single cloud on the sky. Because of that, there was more people on the streets than usual.

After a couple of minutes they found themselves in front of a park's gate.

\- Well, let's forget about the Romans. Did you enjoy it? - She asked honestly, walking down the aisle.

\- You already know I prefer more modern times when it comes to history. - Jane answered, but as soon as he looked at her, he realised that he had misinterpreted her question.

\- I'm not talking about the exhibition. - He knew what she was trying to ask, but decided to stay silent. He wanted her to say it out loud. - Did you enjoy going there... with me?

\- Yes, Teresa. - Jane grinned. - I very much enjoyed being there with you. It was nice to see you somewhere else than the CBI or your apartment.

\- Good. - She smiled shyly. - I really enjoyed it, too.

Finally, they found an ice cream booth. Lisbon sat down on the nearest bench, while Jane placed the orders.

\- They only had vanilla. Hope that's ok. - He said, sitting down beside her.

\- It's actually my favourite.

They enjoyed the dessert in silence, watching people passing in front of them. There were many families with little children, which made Jane a bit sad. The shadow made himself apparent again. Lisbon could clearly see that in his eyes. She took his hand and just held it, tracing little circles on his skin with her thumb. They didn't need words to communicate.

\- You know, today she would be about the same age as that girl in a purple dress. - He said after a while.

\- I bet she was a very sweet girl. - Lisbon hoped that talking about Charlotte would help him a little.

\- Yeah, she was... - He whispered. - So innocent and pure. She often made me regret all those awful things I've done to people. You know, as a psychic. Sometimes I wanted to quit that, so she could be proud of me later, when she's older. She wouldn't like the fact that her father was a con man. But I didn't quit and... you know far too well how things went.

\- You were an amazing father, Patrick. - Lisbon held both of his hands. They were cold, despite the weather. - I know you don't believe in such things, but I do, and I very much believe that they're proud of who you've become. You help people now. Solve cases.

\- You know what was the reason I came to the CBI. - He avoided her gaze and just stared at their hands clasped together on his lap. - And you know that I started to enjoy doing this, working with the team... working with you. But the main reason hasn't changed.

\- I know...

\- Who's the all-knowing now? - He joked, trying to lighten the mood.

\- I guess we both know each other well. - She smiled faintly.

They sat there in silence for a couple of minutes, still holding each other's hands. Jane was actually surprised that talking with Lisbon made him feel a lot better. "She really is my light", he thought, looking down at her. She seemed lost in her thoughts, staring out in the distance.

\- I hope I haven't ruined our date. - He said, a little worried.

\- No, of course not! - She smiled, her eyes still locked on something in front of them. - I was just thinking...

He followed her gaze and saw an elderly couple, sitting on a bench on the other side of the aisle, holding hands just like they were.

\- Do you think you could ever... start over? - She whispered. The other couple noticed them and smiled.

\- I believe that I got another chance when I met you. - He said, looking deep into her eyes. - You're my hope for a new life, Teresa, but I still need closure when it comes to my previous life and it's not gonna change. I know things will get rough and even dangerous when we come closer to catching Red John, so I can't promise you anything, even though I desperately want to. But yes, I think someday I could start over.

\- So... what do you suggest? What are we? - She asked after a while, not sure what to think about his confession.

\- I suggest we enjoy the moment and take things slow. I don't want to screw things up... I don't want to hurt you. You're too important to me, Teresa. - He brushed a piece of hair from her face.

\- Ok... - She answered, trying to smile and be cool about it, but inside she was scared and worried.

She wanted to be with him so badly but was afraid of heartache when things get hot with Red John. She was so lost in her thoughts that only after a while had she realised how close his face was to hers. She subconsciously looked down at his lips and remembered their kiss last night. As much as she wanted to feel his lips against hers again, she needed space to process things. She sat back and took her hands from his.

\- I'm starving. Let's get something for dinner. - Lisbon smiled awkwardly and stood up. She glanced at the elderly couple one last time and the lady winked at her. "We'll figure it out", she thought hopefully.

\- Stop it! - Lisbon was bent in half, holding her stomach that started to hurt from laughing.

She didn't remember when was the last time she had laughed like that. Jane was telling her stories from the time he was still working in a carnival. After they came back from a grocery store, their moods have lighten, which was great, because the vision of an awkward evening wasn't appealing for either of them.

They had already finished eating dinner they had prepared together and were just joking around and talking.

\- You know, before my mum died, we used to go together to a circus every summer, even though my brothers were still very little. - She said. - After the accident I tried to continue this tradition, but it just didn't work out.

\- Why? - He asked, pouring her another glass of red wine.

\- I don't know... - She rolled her eyes when Jane remained silent. - It was already too hard for me, being practically a mother to my siblings and trying to protect them from our dad. I was so young, I wasn't ready for any of this and my brothers and dad didn't make it easier for me. So, going to a circus seemed unnecessary and too tiring, mentally-wise.

\- I understand. - He mumbled, sipping on the wine. - When you look at it, we were both parents.

\- You're right. - She smiled. - I've never noticed that.

\- Do you think you could ever be a mother again? Have children? - He asked, enjoying this deep conversation. They hadn't usually talked about stuff like that. It was a nice change.

\- Yes, I would love to. Just not now. - She answered, feeling a little intoxicated. - You?

\- Honestly, I don't know. Probably yes, but like you said – not right now.

Lisbon nodded and stood up to put dishes in the sink. She suddenly felt a little dizzy but managed to get to the kitchen counter.

\- How much wine have we drunk? - She asked, looking for something in the nearest drawer.

\- One whole bottle! - Jane shouted, surprised. - Do you think it's enough or do you want me to open another one?

\- It's saturday night, Jane. - She answered, like it was obvious what he should do. - Let's have a little fun, last week was boring enough.

\- Yes, boss.

\- Meanwhile, I've got something for you. - Lisbon grinned as she saw his shocked face. She ran up to her bedroom to get a little bundle from her purse. - I saw it in the museum's souvenir store and bought it when you went to the bathroom. I don't know why but it reminded me of you. Maybe it's the colour. Thought you'd like it.

He opened the package and saw a light sea green shirt with little turtles, that were only a little bit darker than the shirt. He opened his mouth in shock.

\- I hope it fits. - She said, clearly amused by his reaction.

\- Thank you, Teresa. - He finally spoke and hugged her. - I love it. I give The Lisbon's Hotel four stars out of five for how they treat their guests.

\- Only four? - She tried to look offended, but couldn't stop her lips from smiling. - What would I have to do to get five stars?

\- I bet you'll figure it out, Lisbon. - He winked at her. - But don't worry, I'll recommened your service to my friends, that's for sure.

\- Oh, please, don't! I don't want to clean up after Rigsby. He looks like that type who likes to flood the bathroom when he showers. With all due respect.

\- Alright, I won't. - Jane laughed. - Let me go get changed.

He went to her bathroom and while he was gone, she put some music on and poured both of them another glass of wine.

\- It fits! - She heard his voice behind her. - It's actually really comfortable. You've got a good eye.

She turned around and found herself looking him up and down.

\- You look good. - She went up to him and touched the collar of his new shirt, trying to look like she was examining the material. - Very... exotic.

He grinned and caressed her cheek, looking down at her lips. He saw her smile disappear and looked up to meet her gaze. He was surprised by the amount of love he saw in her eyes. Their lips were only and inch away, but he found himself unable to move. Her eyes hypnotized him.

It was Lisbon who closed the distance between them. They still weren't used to the sensation, so the kiss was as gentle and slow as their first one.

\- Would you like to dance with me? - Jane said when they pulled away. - I love that song.

\- Of course.

He took her hand and guided her to the middle of the living room. She put her head on his shoulder and he held her close to his heart. It wasn't like the last time they danced during the high school reunion in Rancho Rosa. It was more intimate and less hesitant. They were alone, no one was watching them. What's more important, they didn't need to supress their feelings anymore. She didn't need to hide her quickened heartbeat and he could kiss her head and don't care about the consequences.

\- Last night you said you needed me. - She whispered when the next song started. - The truth is, I need you too, Patrick. I've never realised it until today. I think that we both need each other, because no one else would understand us. I was always sure that if I let any man this close and show him my dark side, he'd run away. But then you came and I let you in... Closer than I've ever let anyone. I showed you, sometimes not voluntarily, what I consider the worst part of me and... you stayed. What's more, you've helped me work through this mess, even though you're much more broken than me. I think what I'm trying to say is... thank you... for staying. Even though you've got your own mess.

He shifted a little to put two fingers under her chin and make her look up. He didn't hesitate this time and kissed her, trying to show her how much he appreciated her words. How much he agreed with her. How much he loved her. She put her hands behind his neck and pulled him closer. A quiet moan escaped her mouth when he started to kiss her neck. She let him do it for a while, but then moved his head to once again taste his lips.

When the kiss grew more passionate, suddenly the track on the vinyl ended and a loud noise came from the nearest shelf. They jumped and Lisbon ran to stop the record player. When she turned around to face him, she looked at him and they both laughed, feeling like two teenagers caught red-handed by their parents.

\- We should probably go to sleep, it's already past midnight. - She said, smoothing out her hair.

\- Do you want me to stay for another night?

\- I already told you, I won't let you sleep alone in your house. At least not this weekend.

\- Alright. - He grinned.

He quickly cleaned up the kitchen while she took a shower. After some time, they finally laid down, each one occupying either side of the bed. Maybe it was the wine, or maybe after today she became more sure about their relationship, but only after a couple of seconds of silence she shifted to put her head on his chest and cuddled him. He didn't react at first, but after the initial shock, he put his arm around her and pulled her closer. Her hair were tickling his bare skin and he felt her warm breath on his stomach.

\- I was cold. - She whispered, tracing her finger up and down from his neck to the end of his sternum.

\- Right. - He chuckled, knowing that it was only an excuse. - You haven't told me about your dream last night.

\- Oh, I already forgot it.

\- Will you ever quit lying to me, Lisbon? You know I don't have to look at you to know when you're not telling the truth. - Her finger stopped somewhere near his collarbone, but then continued its journey.

\- Fine. - She groaned. - In my dream we were sitting on a beach . The sun was setting and we were alone. You said that your favourite colour was orange. Completely out of the blue. When I asked if there was any particular reason, you said that you'd always loved the colour of the sky during sunset. Then you asked me what my favourite colour was. When I answered "blue" you asked why. So I said: "Your eyes are blue".

Jane closed his eyes as he felt a sudden wave of warmth in his chest, just were her head was resting.

\- Is it actually true? - He whispered and felt her smile against his skin.

\- Yes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: Sorry for that long break, but I couldn't find the time to write something. Also, I tried to figure out where I want to take this story, so it took me a while. I hope I didn't write Jane and Lisbon OOC, but honestly – I didn't plan to make this story that long, so it may be a little messy. Just bear with me, ok? Reviews are more than welcomed. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

Oranges. A lot of juicy, fresh oranges hanging on the branches, which almost created a green rooftop above her head. She walked barefoot between two rows of trees, blinded by the rising sun. Her feet were wet from dew. A brisk sea breeze played with her ivory sundress and that unique salty scent entered her nose.

She was amazed by the ravishing beauty of that garden. It felt like paradise. She stopped to pick an orange from the nearest branch and then, as she turned her head, she saw him.

He sat on the grass, leaning against a trunk, head tilted back. Rays of light hit his face and made his hair shine like pure gold. He was smiling faintly and looking directly at her. She could see in his blue eyes a hint of an unfamiliar feeling. She hadn't seen it before. What was it? Amusement?

In a split second after their gaze met, a sudden gust of wind hit her and made her hair flow in different directions. She tried to tie a ponytail, but the wind was too strong.

What was that look in his eyes? What was it? If only she could see him one more time.

The wind grew more and more boisterous, until she couldn't see or hear anything.

Then, she opened her eyes. And she saw him, but this time his eyes were closed and he was fast asleep. She couldn't tell if she was still dreaming because the sunlight made his skin glow exactly like in that garden.

He looked serene. Not troubled by anything. Not analyzing everything and everyone, not plotting against people, not dealing with his demons. Just asleep. Dreaming, probably.

"I hope his dreams are as beautiful as mine", she thought, taking in every feature of his face. She noticed how well-rested and relaxed he seemed, so different from what he usually looked like at work.

"For once he won't be tired. This insomnia has to make him go insane at night".

She gently caressed his cheek, which was a little rough from his five-o-clock shadow. As she was about to move her hand away, he clasped it with his own, not letting her go. This sudden movement made her heart skip a beat.

\- Hi. - She whispered, smiling.

\- Mhmm... - He mumbled. Still half-asleep, he put his arms around her and pulled her closer to him.

\- Did you sleep well?

\- I always sleep well when you're around. Even on that awful couch of yours at the CBI. - He answered honestly, without even a slight hint of cockiness, which she'd expected. - Weird, isn't it?

\- Yeah...

\- What have you dreamt about this time? - He asked, finally opening his eyes. The light made them an even more exquisite shade of blue.

\- A garden full of orange trees. Sunrise... - She started, trying to remember everything. - Me barefoot in a light dress, which is weird, because I can't remember the last time I wore one -

\- The Doverton case. - He mentioned immediately. - You wore a black dress to that charity event.

His answer made her speachless. She just laid there with her mouth open, a hint of smile in the corners of her eyes.

\- Did you waste a room in your memory palace just to remember this? - She finally spoke.

\- Obviously.

They both chuckled.

\- So, back to your dream...

\- Right. - She closed her eyes, struggling a bit to picture that scenery. - I was in a dress. It was somewhere near a shore. I turned to pick an orange and then I saw you. You were sitting against a tree, looking at me. Then the wind started to blow and I couldn't see you anymore, because hair were covering my face. I... I wanted to look at you to check something, but... I can't remember what it was.

\- Interesting.

\- Maybe I'll remember it later. - She said hopefully.

They cuddled in silence for a bit, lost in their own thoughts and still a little sleepy. Jane noticed that his heart hadn't beaten that calmly in a long time.

\- I like how the sun hits your face. - He whispered, playing with her hair.

\- This golden sunlight makes anything look more beautiful than it actually is. It's a weird illusion. Like, for a couple of minutes right after the day starts and right before it ends, everything has it's time to shine. Even a bag of trash or an old house.

\- You don't think you're beautiful? - He said more than asked.

\- W-well... I'm obviously not Kate Moss - She tried to look for the right words, as Jane's statement caught her off-guard. She hadn't really cared about her appearance, being too practical and busy to care about what to wear. On a daily basis she tried not to notice early wrinkles on her forehead or dark circles under her eyes.

\- You really don't! - He exclaimed, completely taken-aback. - Lisbon, you have no idea-

\- You don't have to do that, Jane. - She awkwardly cut him off. - I'm hungry. Let me go make some breakfast. I'll be right back.

In a matter of seconds, she was gone. "What's wrong with me? What's going on?", she thought as she put on the kettle. That look in his eyes... Just like in her dream. She still couldn't tell what it really was, but it was so intense and sincere that it made her uncomfortable. She realized what was really happening: her and Jane, lying together in her bed, cuddling. Him telling her how beautiful she was would be too much. So much had changed in their relationship during those past two days that she had no time to think it all through. They went on a date, kissed a couple of times, even slept in the same bed.

Then, the weight of their situation hit her and her breath quickened. "What are we doing? It's not right. It's irresponsible. It's... terrifying".

She made some sandwiches, tea for him and coffee for herself. She carried it back to her bedroom, trying to control her shaking hands and not to spill anything.

\- Here. - She said, handing him the cup and faking her smile. She wanted to scream.

\- Thanks.

Lisbon sat on the other side of the bed and put a plate with sandwiches between them. She was staring into her cup, trying to ignore Jane's intense stare. "He knows".

\- Ok, what's going on? - He finally spoke, shifting into more comfortable position. - Did I say something wrong?

\- No! - She burst, forcing herself to look at him. - No, of course not... I just...

Once again, she was lost for words. She didn't want to hurt him. Only two days ago he stood there in her living room, broken to pieces, crying uncontrollably. And now he was finally at peace.

When she dared to look into his eyes, she felt an immediate wave of heat come to her cheeks.

\- Be honest with me, Teresa.

There was no turning back.

\- I'm scared. - As she mumbled it, tears appeared in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away. - Damn it... I'm sorry, Jane, I just...

\- Just say it. - He said firmly. Under his intense gaze, she almost forgot how to breathe. When she finally spoke, words became one incoherent mumble. She just wanted to take everything off of her chest.

\- I can't do it. We can't do it. We've been reckless this whole time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed every moment with you. Damn it, this weekend has been the best thing that has happened to me in a really long time. I want to be with you, but most importantly – I want you to be happy. To have your closure. To not be broken anymore. But so many consequences come with that and it terrifies me. It literally makes me sick to think about what could go wrong if we continue this.

\- Teresa...

\- Please, let me finish. - She said desperately, feeling tears come down her cheeks. - Since I opened that door time has stopped in place. It felt like there's only the two of us and our feelings for each other, but just before I went to the kitchen, I saw something in your eyes that made me realize that we're not alone. There's CBI, crimes, Red John... Your past... There are so many things that stand against us being together that trying to forget anything ever happened seems more possible. I know you said to just enjoy the moment, but I can't. All I can think of right now is what will happen when we come close to catching Red John.

As she finished that last sentence, she took a deep breath in. They both sat there, taking in her words, not even looking at each other. A plate of sandwiches between them. The heavy silence in the bedroom was suddenly disrupted by her sob.

\- It's my fault... - She cried. - I shouldn't have kissed you. I took advantage of you. And now... Oh God, I'm so sorry... It's all my fault.

\- No. - He breathed, staring blankly at a tree outside the window. - It's nobody's fault. It just happened.

After her weeping stopped, Jane finally looked at her. She was curled up at the corner of the bed, picking the edge of her jersey and occasionally tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. He felt empty inside. He should've known better.

They sat in silence, both heartbroken and lost. The sun had finally risen and the golden sunlight was gone.

For once in a long time, Jane didn't know what to do. Maybe it was him who took advantage of her? Maybe he'd been selfish and had thought only about himself? Did he even love her? Was it really love? Or just comfort? There were so many questions running through his mind and he couldn't help but doubt everything that he'd done.

\- We're both pretty messed up, aren't we? - She smiled sadly.

\- Yeah...

He looked into her eyes and immediately felt a chill run down his spine. The shadow appeared again.

\- Do you love me? - She whispered, not looking away even for a moment.

\- I don't know anymore.

She nodded and stood up.

\- I'm going to take a shower. Close the front door on your way out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Note: I'm not actually that satisfied with this chapter but I decided to finally publish it, because I don't want to get stuck trying to make this better. I hope you enjoy it, though.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

\- Go away!

The room was dark and cold. She wanted to hide in the shadows. Knocking on the door repeated.

\- Talk to me, Teresa!

\- Just leave me alone!

She was pacing back and forth, boiling with anger. He was the last person she wanted to see now.

Their latest case was really tough. An abusive father killed his own son and tried to frame their neighbour. Anything that could go wrong, did. A lot of annoying paperwork, AG on her back for some reason, Jane being his usual self but twice as annoying, and the worst of all – the father himself. He reminded her so much of her own dad that she got carried away and knocked him unconscious during an interview. Eventually, she got suspended and was now trying to deal with this mess.

\- Lisbon, listen… - She heard his soft and patient voice and stopped in place. - I know that I'm probably the last person on earth you want to see, but I'm worried about you. What happened the other Sunday doesn't mean I'm not your friend or partner anymore.

She felt a sting in her stomach, but decided to ignore it. She played some records and sat on the couch and closed her eyes, hoping that Jane would give up eventually. The knocking and shouting repeated, but was silenced by the music. Suddenly, she heard his voice much clearer and opened her eyes.

\- What the hell, Jane! How dare you pick my lock?! - She shouted.

\- You haven't been answering my calls since you left the CBI. I needed to see you to make sure you're ok. - He answered calmly.

\- Well, you see now that I'm fine and that I don't need your help. You can leave now. Goodnight. - She crossed her arms and sat back down on the couch.

\- Can I at least get myself a cup of tea? - He asked, a little frustrated.

\- Yeah, whatever. - She mumbled, not even looking at him. Her anger turned from heated hostility to a cold indifference.

After a minute he returned with two cups of steaming tea and sat next to her on the couch.

\- What makes you so angry? - He asked after a while.

\- A lot of things, Jane. A shitload of things.

\- Do you want to talk about it?

\- No, I don't. I just want you to drink your damn tea and leave.

\- Fine, as you wish. - He replied, hoping to somehow get her to talk. - You're right, I shouldn't have picked your lock. I'm sorry.

He looked at her, trying to read her expression. Her eyes were closed and she held the cup in her hands.

\- I also want to apologize for worsening the whole thing. You pulled an all-nighter because of me, filling the paperwork, and I didn't help you, even though I should've.

\- Suck it up, it was not the first time I had to clean up after you. - She smirked. - At least we caught that bastard.

\- Yeah…

Jane finished his tea and sat closer to her. She opened her eyes curiously, which was a sign for him that she had bought his apology. He knew it wasn't right to trick her like that, but she was too stubborn and proud to talk to him about this situation voluntarily.

\- When I met you, I noticed a scar on your forehead. - He said. - I didn't ask you about it and then you started wearing bangs and I forgot. Now, with this case, I remembered it and have been wondering-

\- Yeah, it's his job. - She caught him off emotionlessly.

\- What happened?

\- I don't remember. Probably some stupid shit like: the dinner was cold or I looked at him the wrong way. He got a glass bottle and smashed it on my head. I almost died. After that nuns at my school looked at me like I was a Satan's child because of my shaved head and this big scar.

\- Did he beat you often? - Jane asked, shocked by her cold reply.

\- Do you want more tea? - She stood up and went to the kitchen. She didn't hurry to come back to the living room, but eventually did.

\- You know you need to talk about it with someone. - He tried to reason with her. - I think you'd rather it was me and not a therapist.

She put the cups on the table and started pacing again. He watched her carefully, hoping that she would open up. He knew keeping things inside wasn't a good idea.

\- Alright, you really want to know how it was with my father? - She finally spoke, standing in the middle of the room, frustrated and just plain angry. - It was hell on earth, both physically and mentally. There were times when I skipped classes because I didn't dare to show up with a black eye or a cut lip. Everyday I wanted to run away, but couldn't leave my brothers, even though they had it easier. Everything I did was wrong. The house wasn't clean enough, the dinner wasn't tasty enough, my brothers didn't behave well enough. After my mother died I had to take her place and my father hated me for that. When my brothers grew up and my father killed himself, I finally left everything behind and never looked back.

Jane sat with his mouth opened. He didn't expect such outburst.

\- Did I satisfy your curiosity? - She growled, clenching her fists.

\- Teresa… I-

\- Shut up, Jane. Just shut up. I don't want you to try and calm me down with your easy words. It's not gonna work, because not even you can help me. - She shouted. - I hated that bastard and the most stupid thing I did was cry everyday in the shower for a month after he died. Now my family hates me for leaving. And this son of a bitch, who killed his son, just-

A new song started playing. She looked at him blankly and he felt a shiver run down his spine. It was the song they danced to that Saturday evening. Her heart sunk into her stomach and she stared at him, searching for a hint of any emotion. But his face was stone cold. "He doesn't even care. It means nothing to him", she thought, though he was just shocked by the course of events. She ran up to the record player, took the vinyl out and smashed it on the floor.

Jane immediately stood up, worried and a bit guilty but he didn't know what for. She was breathing heavily and staring at the broken pieces. The song was still playing in her head. There were so many emotions in her heart that it was impossible to keep them inside any longer. Tears started falling down her cheeks, though she desperately tried to wipe them off. But they kept coming and her shoulders started to shake. She had no idea what was going on.

He walked up to her without any hesitation and tried to hug her, but she kept pushing him away and screaming to let her go. Smaller and weaker, she had no chance against his caring arms. As soon as she smelt his cologne and felt his warmth, she stopped fighting and hugged him tightly. She missed his touch so much.

A piercing cry filled the room and Jane's shirt became wet with her tears. She held onto him, her knees weak and trembling. For once she stopped thinking about anything and just cried, grateful for his presence.

Jane hated seeing her like this. He hated himself for being one of many reasons behind her tears.

\- Shh, everything's gonna be alright. I don't know how that's gonna happen but I can promise you, it will. - He whispered in her ear, caressing her messy hair.

There were so many feelings in their hearts that they couldn't explain and weren't able to name. Even after she stopped crying, he didn't let her go. He was just starting to realize his true feelings for her. "If I had mistaken comfort for love then, why am I feeling so terrible now?", he thought, holding her close and feeling her breath on his neck.

\- You're the strongest person I've ever known, Teresa. I can't believe how you managed to go so far without anyone's help or support. - He spoke. - You should know that you can always count on me. Despite what happened and what will happen, I'll always be your friend. You no longer have to be alone with your problems. Don't you ever forget that.

\- Ok. - She answered weakly. Though she should've felt better after crying, she actually felt worse. She pulled away, already missing his warmth. - You're probably tired. You should head back home.

\- Don't worry, Lisbon. I'm used to being sleep deprived. - He laughed, trying to cheer her up.

\- No, really. You don't have to worry about me. I'm going to give myself a bath and then go to bed. Thank you, for… everything. - She smiled faintly.

\- I'll call you tomorrow, ok?

\- Ok.

\- Sleep well.

* * *

 _\- Patrick… Jane… Patrick. Jane. Jane. Patrick. It's weird – even when I repeat your name many times, it doesn't lose its sense like any other word would._

 _\- You asked what made me so angry. You want to know the truth? It's you. You make me angry. And frustrated. And sad. And happy. So happy. I know you don't love me, but I do love you and I HATE that we can't be together. You don't even have to love me. You can pretend, you're good at that. I just- I just need you to hold me when I go to sleep. The bed seems so cold and empty now, even though you slept in it only two times. And you didn't even love me then. You told me. But you made me pancakes. How do you make pancakes for someone you don't love? _

_\- W-why don't you love me? What did I do wrong? Am I not good enough? Am I too messed-up? Is it because I'm- is it because I'm not her?_

 _\- I hate him. If you don't kill him, I will. Did you say you didn't love me because of him? To make me fall out of love? It didn't work. Is your revenge more important than me? Of course it is. Because you loved herand not me. Because you still love her._

 _\- I'm disgusting. I'm just like my father. Drunk and aggressive. No wonder you don't love me. I don't love myself. No one loves me and no one had ever loved me. Except my mum, but she was selfish enough to go to heaven and leave me on my own._

 _\- I really shouldn't have drunk the whole bottle of wine by myself._

 _\- You know what also makes me angry? That I try to be professional and cold and rational, but every time I see you I just can't stop thinking about you. About your touch, your lips… You. You're like some sort of disease and there's no cure for it. And THAT makes me angry. That you got under my skin and I can't do anything about it, though I try so hard. Why don't you leave me alone? Or love me? Please, choose one of those. Even not seeing you for the rest of my life is better than being so close TO you but not close WITH you._

 _\- Why did you tell me that Friday night that you had fallen in love with me? Are you really that cruel and that good at lying?_

 _\- Patrick. Jane. Jane. Patrick._

 _\- I wish I didn't love you. I wish you loved me._

"But I do love you".

* * *

\- Jane, a word?

\- What's up, Lisbon?

\- Umm… When I called you the other night… My friend had a birthday party and… W-what did I-

\- I'm actually glad you brought it up. Your obsession with Brad Pitt is quite alarming. You talked about him with such affection for the majority of voice messages you left me, just because some guy at the bar looked like him. The rest of it is incoherent noise or mumbling.

\- Oh.

\- Don't worry, your secret's safe with me, Lisbon. Though I should warn Brad about your love for him.

\- Thanks… I guess?


	6. Chapter 6

**Note: I felt like something was missing in my latest chapter, so here is chapter 5 1/2. I promise the next one will be less complicated and everything will sort itself out. Though it won't be the finale.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

Cold drops of rain were hitting his heated skin. Such ecstatic feeling.

 _I know you don't love me. You don't even have to love me. You didn't even love me then. You told me._

An old owl sat on a tree and looked at him reproachfully. A shiver ran down his back.

 _Why don't you love me? You didn't love me. You loved her, not me. You still love her._

A silver moonlight hit his chest for a second. The darkness came back - both around and inside him.

 _No wonder you don't love. No one loves me and no one has ever loved me._

His skin cooled down but the burning sting in his head remained. There was only one cure for it and it was out of his reach.

 _I wish you loved me._

In his life he'd lied a lot. It used to be his job. He'd lived thanks to lies and even now he found them useful. Lying had become his second nature and there were still times when he couldn't tell the difference between something fake or true.

Sometimes he lied because he had to. Sometimes because it was fun. He could easily tell when someone else was lying and knew how to lie without anyone realizing.

He and lies had been good companions for decades. That's why he was sitting once again on his balcony, soaking wet from the rain, conflicted and lost.

Because her words were the absolute truth for her and just terrible lies for him.

It didn't matter that she was drunk. She would never say it out loud while sober. That's why he knew she had really meant every single word.

 _I love you._

"I love you, too".

Not so long ago, he wasn't sure of his feelings. "I don't know anymore", he'd told her. And it was the truth. At least at the moment. Soon after that weekend, when they both distanced each other, his feelings for her started to settle down in his heart and became clearer.

And then they got that case and he saw her cry her eyes out. He held her and became certain of his love for her. He knew she had some feelings for him, too.

The next evening, she called him. And she told him all those lies, believing they were true. Then he found out she didn't remember a thing and he knew he couldn't tell her, because she would deny everything and build even higher walls around herself.

So he lied. Again.

And he had to keep telling her his lies. Because she had to keep telling him her truth. For her own sake.

He came back inside and changed his clothes. Even while lying down on his matress, the migraine didn't leave him alone. He wished to go see her – his cure – just like he did that memorable Friday night, when he first felt her lips against his. When, for once, he told her the truth.

He had listened to her voicemails hundreds of times. He still heard her weak voice. He still heard her cry.

But for now, he couldn't do anything to make her feel better except pretending not to love her. Because when you love someone, sometimes you need to act like a stranger.


	7. Chapter 7

**Note: I know my recent chapters are much shorter than the previous ones, but I want to keep things simple. Hope you enjoy this one!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

\- Are you cold?

\- A little bit, yeah.

\- Here, take my jacket.

\- Thanks.

A cold breeze played with her hair. He put his warm jacket on her trembling shoulders. It smelt just like him. Memories flew through her mind.

They sat on the roof of some building, looking at the city lights. The sky was pitch black. Somewhere far away an old Elvis's song was playing and a neon light was turned on, painting everything pink and blue.

\- Why are we here, Jane?

\- Are you not enjoying the view? - He smiled and she rolled her eyes. He missed that so much. - Seriously though, we need to talk.

\- I know. - She hung her head, getting mentally prepared.

\- But first, I need us to make a deal. - She looked up curiously. - No lies. No hiding. No pretending. Just what's inside our hearts, ok?

\- Ok. - She whispered, smiling shyly. She was a bit self-conscious to reveal what's been keeping her awake at nights, but at the same time couldn't wait to get it off of her chest.

\- Uff... - He sighed and laughed nervously. She hadn't seen him like that in a really long time. - Let's just get the most serious parts off of the table. Which one do you want to hear first – the bad one or the worse one?

\- The worse one. - Even though his jacket was really warm, a shiver ran down her spine.

\- Red John is still alive.

A weight that had been on her shoulders for an extremely long time became twice as heavy. She realized she stopped breathing.

\- Are you sure? - She breathed after a while.

\- Yes, I'm sure Timothy Carter wasn't Red John.

\- How do you know that?

\- I'm gonna tell you later, I promise. - He said, fidgeting a little. - Tonight I want to talk about the bad news.

\- Well..? - She asked when he got lost in his own thoughts.

\- I love you, Teresa. - He said softly, looking directly into her eyes. She didn't dare to look away. - I know what I said that Sunday morning and I really wasn't sure of my feelings for you then. I thought I had mistaken love for comfort or something like that. I thought I'd been being selfish. But after a while I realized that I was wrong. I really do love you and actually terrifies me.

She was just looking at him with her eyes wide open, shocked.

\- I think you should know that I lied to you about that one night you called me. - He was looking down on his hands, a wedding ring still on his finger. - I know you got drunk all by yourself. You called me late at night and told me that...

\- What did I tell you? - She rushed him when he was looking for the right words. Her heart was beating fast.

\- You told me that you loved me. - He mumbled. - And a whole bunch of things.

\- What things?

\- That you know I don't love you. That the only person who has ever loved you is your mother. That you're as disgusting as your father. That... That you want me to hold you when you fall asleep, even if I don't love you. - He sighed and his voice became weaker and quieter as the memories of them cuddling ran through his mind. He suddenly felt self-conscious. - That you think I told you I wasn't sure of my feelings anymore because of Red John and my wife. That you prefer not seeing me for the rest of your life rather than seeing me everyday and being close to me, but not close with me.

She stared at him, not sure what to say or think.

\- I just need to know... - He whispered and looked at her, a hint of desperation in his eyes. - Do you still love me?

\- Yes. - She breathed. - I do.

With this words, the world disappeared. They were alone, lost in each other's eyes. Neon lights created an otherworldly haze on their bodies. He caressed her cheek with his thumb, leaving behind a burning mark. She moved closer to him and her warm breath against his bare skin made him believe in happy endings. When he kissed her, a new star was created. Their lips tried to communicate feelings which couldn't be described in simple words. And somehow, they understood each other.

They knew this kiss was a manifesto of what they wanted, but couldn't have. This kiss was a rebellion against everything that stood between them – their messed-up past, their insecurities, revenge, Red John.

They wished upon this newly created star that someday everything would be simple. Someday they'd meet again and wouldn't pretend anymore. Someday all that would matter is that he loves her and she loves him.

After an infinity, they pulled away, already hating the barrier of cold air between them.

\- I need you to remember this moment. - He whispered into her lips. - I need you to picture it every day, because from now on, things will only get worse. We're both gonna get in danger, and even though the idea of you getting hurt by him is making me want to send you to the freaking Moon, it's too late to back out now.

\- I'm not going anywhere, Jane. - She said firmly, squeezing his hands. - I'm not gonna leave you alone. I've been in danger before, it's my job.

\- I know, but... this time it's different.

There. She saw it again. This strange look in his eyes, just like in her dream. It was so intense that her heart forgot how to beat, even though it was its only job. She wanted to hide in his arms and never leave this rooftop.

\- Can we forget about everything, at least for tonight? - He spoke softly, playing with her hair. - We'll talk about all this serious stuff later. Tonight I just want to be with you and talk like we used to. Before everything got screwed up.

He could see in her eyes how emotions fought with her cold rationality. She frowned and looked away at the city. He ran his finger between her brows to make her face relax and this gesture surprised her.

\- I know you, Lisbon. - He smirked, delighted by her reaction. - I know you think it's stupid and crazy and reckless. I know you're afraid of acting on your feelings and then get inevitably heartbroken. I'm scared of that, too. But people do crazy things when they're in love, so I think we deserve to be stupid for at least one night.

\- Quoting 'Hercules' is a way to win a girl over. - She laughed and it was the cutest laugh he had ever heard. - Ok, let's be stupid for a moment.

He grinned and the neon street lights made his teeth bright pink. He grabbed her and sat her on his knees, pulling her close.

When they kissed again, a whole new galaxy was born.

Then, they stayed on that rooftop until the Sun finally rose, talking about everything and nothing, enjoying each other's company and for once being stupid. When they said their bitter goodbyes it felt like they were leaving for a long time, even though they were gonna see each other the next day at work. Back at home they both kept reliving this memorable night with smiles on their faces. On the Monday morning she found him lying on the couch in her office, a cup of fresh coffee on her desk, prepared just how she likes it. The team looked suspiciously at them the whole week but didn't dare to ask any questions.

For the time being, they chose to love each other platonically.


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: I just want to clarify that changing the events of the first few seasons (which I did) will obviously affect the whole story. That's why e.g. Jane didn't sleep with Lorelei. I hope you enjoy this one. Reviews are more than welcomed!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

\- Lisbon, please, it's been three weeks. How long are you gonna be mad at me?

\- Six months.

\- You're funny.

The street was empty and dark. They'd been sitting in her car for at least five hours now. The suspect still didn't leave her house. It was going to be a long night filled with heavy silence.

Jane had already napped for a while, not even trying to cheer Lisbon up. Since he had come back from Vegas she'd been cold and irritated more than usual. During the past few days he'd tried talking to her but she'd always cut him off, so he gave up, hoping that she'd get over it after a while.

Turned up she didn't.

\- Have you watched some cool movies recently? - He finally asked, starting to hate every single minute of this silence.

\- No.

\- Music?

\- No.

\- Books?

\- No.

\- Oh, come on! - He exclaimed. - Do you really want us to spend this whole night not talking to each other?

\- Yes.

He sighed and shifted into a more comfortable position. He had a neck ache, probably from the previous nap. Lisbon was like a statue – steady, silent and cold. Not even a single muscle in her face moved when he suddenly put his hand on her knee.

\- What can I do to make it up to you? - He asked desperately, taking his hand back when her piercing gaze met his eyes.

\- I don't know, Jane. Maybe start with not treating me like I'm not smart or good enough to be working with you.

\- What? Lisbon-

\- Don't even try to deny that. - She warned him and he felt a shiver on his back. He'd never seen her that pissed off. It was this kind of cold anger that makes you look calm on the outside, but your words and eyes can cut like a steel. - Just because you're a mentalist and more intelligent than the average person doesn't mean you can boss me around and treat the whole team like a bunch of delusional morons. - When he didn't answer, she continued. - Why do you think I got this big job? Because I had connections? Because I slept with some big fish? Because I won a lottery? No! I got this job because I worked my ass off and had amazing qualifications to work for the CB-fucking-I.

\- I don't think you're dumb, Lisbon. - He mumbled, taken-aback.

\- So why do you act like you do? - She shouted, holding the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles became white. She closed her eyes and counted to ten to calm down. - It's not anymore about you leaving and making me not sleep at night from worrying and having nightmares. It's not about you not answering my calls or texts. It's about you not treating me like your boss or even a partner, but like a subordinate.

\- Do you really feel this way? - He asked and it sounded more pretentious than he intended it to sound.

\- No, I'm just joking around. - She hissed and turned her head so he couldn't see her face.

The car was once again filled with uncomfortable silence.

It was a hot summer night. After a while Lisbon opened the window and let a light breeze hit her sweaty forehead. It felt amazingly refreshing and her nerves calmed a little. The moonlight reflected on her naked shoulders.

\- I understand that you're mad. - He said after half an hour.

\- No, you don't. - She turned around and looked him dead in the eyes. - You think you're so untouchable and above everyone else. That there's only you and Red John, and everyone else is merely a pawn. But you're wrong. I can play this game, too. Frankly, I've been playing it for much longer than you. And if it weren't for me kissing everyone's ass and saving yours, you'd be out of this case and the CBI a long time ago. Don't ever forget that. And be careful, because some day I might be fed up with your bullshit and change the rules of this damn game.

\- You wouldn't do that. - He answered mockingly.

\- Why not?

\- Because you love me.

\- Oh, believe me. - The tone of her voice and her gaze made his smirk disappear. - I've got an amazing work-life balance.

His mouth opened. Neither of them looked away and he could see how hurt she was. He realized that in her eyes, his actions really were a betrayal. He underestimated her anger.

\- Boss, are you sure the widow's home? It's been six hours. Maybe she went out through the back door. - They heard Rigsby's voice in the walkie talkie.

\- Alright, I'm gonna look around the house. I'll keep you updated. - She said emotionlessly and went out of the car. She took a deep breath of fresh air in and walked to the house.

She habitually checked if her gun was in its place. Shifting focus from Jane to the suspect, she found herself on the disheveled backyard. Nothing strange stood out but she decided to examine an entry to the basement. Suddenly, something hit her on the back and she fell down. Despite the burning pane in her spine, she managed to turn from her stomach and kick the suspect. After a minute of struggle Lisbon knocked the woman on the ground and put the cuffs on her wrists.

\- Rigsby, come here and take the suspect. - She said to the walkie talkie.

After a couple of minutes of giving orders and talking to Bertram, she finally came back to the car. Jane stood on the sidewalk and watched the whole scene. When she came closer, he noticed blood on her face.

\- You're bleeding. - He said, reaching for her hand to stop her. She didn't push him away though she kept a safe distance between them.

\- It's just a cut eyebrow. - She mumbled, pressing her fingers to the wound and fidgeting. Being this close to him made her uncomfortable. Her body missed his touch but her mind was protesting.

She noticed him staring and saw in his eyes that he was really worried about her.

\- Work with me, Jane. - She spoke, a little more gently than before. - We're stronger together. As partners.

\- I can't promise you anything, Teresa. - He whispered apologetically and let go of her hand. - You know who's making the rules.

\- It's all of us. - She said firmly, feeling the anger flood her mind again. - Do what you want, I'm gonna keep doing my job. Don't try to keep me away from the case and don't try to protect me. I can take care of myself.

\- It's not what I meant! - He tried to explain but she was already on her side of the car.

\- I know exactly what you meant. Now get into the car or you'll be walking to the CBI by foot.

She shut her door and started the engine. He managed to quickly jump on his seat before she drove away.

\- And when we're at work, it's either 'Lisbon' or 'boss'. Understood?

\- Yes.


	9. Chapter 9

**Note: I got a massive writer's block while writing this chapter, so sorry if it's bad and a little rushed. I hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

Red blood was slowly falling on the white floor. Drop by drop.

Only after a minute did he notice that it was his own blood coming from his clenched fist.

 _Why hasn't she woken up yet?_

He didn't even acknowledged a young doctor checking up on her. His eyes were watching closely her expressionless face, begging to see even the smallest tic. This situation was all too familiar and the only thing keeping him sane was the constant beeping of the heart monitor and the steady movements of her chest.

Red John's voice still didn't leave his mind. This chilling, creepy whisper that had made his heart stop and a cold sweat appear on his forehead. He couldn't get another person he loved killed because of him. He just wouldn't survive that. Remorse and worry had been keeping him by her bedside for the whole night, even though doctors and nurses looked strangely at him.

He hadn't managed to keep her safe, so watching over her was the least he could do now.

The piercing noise indicating her heartbeat quickened. She started moving in her bed, mumbling and frowning.

\- No!… Please, don't… Stop it… No…

He moved even closer to her and took her cold hand. He tried to wake her up but she was too lost in the world of dreams.

 _Isn't the nightmare she's living enough? Do they need to haunt her even in her sleep?_

Suddenly, she screamed and sat up on the bed. He quickly stopped her and she fell back on the pillows.

\- You're safe, Teresa… You're with me now. - He comforted her and caressed her hair.

\- They were dead… They were all dead. - She was looking around the room, frightened and still not fully woken up. - He killed them. I was alone. All by myself.

\- What are you talking about? - He asked and put his hand on her shoulder. His calm voice and gentle touch brought her back to consciousness.

\- Where am I? - Her weak voice and nearly transparent skin were like a kick in the stomach for him. Her fiercerful personality had made him forget how fragile she really was.

\- You're in the hospital. You've been unconscious for the past couple of hours. - He tried to smile to calm her down but it came out more like a grimace.

\- W-what happened? - She mumbled.

\- We found you lying unconscious in an old house. You were unharmed, unlike Partridge.

\- He's dead… Red John killed him. - She remembered, trying to wrap her head around all of this. - Why didn't he hurt me?

\- I don't know. - Jane whispered and the possibility of Red John lying his hands on her made him sick to his stomach. The memory of a red smiley painted on her face was enough to make his bloody fist clench even tighter.

\- What are you trying to hide from me? - She asked, looking at him suspiciously.

\- He didn't exactly do nothing to you. - His gaze shifted to a speck of blood in her hairline that he had missed. - He painted a smiley on your face with Partridge's blood.

\- Ok… - She subconsciously touched her cheek.

\- Don't worry, I wiped it off. - He reassured her.

She put her heavy head on the pillow and sighed. Since Jane's return from Vegas, the situation with Red John had been getting progressively worse and more dangerous. She had no idea who to trust now - it seemed like anyone could be a Red John's accomplice. Despite her requests, Jane had been notoriously pushing her away and hiding his plans from her.

Lost in thoughts, she gazed at him and noticed blood on his hand.

\- Stop it, Jane. - She said softly, took his fist and slowly opened it. She took a tissue from a bedside table and started to wipe the blood off of his skin.

There was something so intimate and caring in her gesture that made him wonder how their lives would look like if the situation was different. Would they have been happier if he had given up his revenge?

\- Have you slept? - She asked and kept his hand on her lap, making little circles on his skin with her finger, this touch therapeutic for both of them.

\- How could I? - Jane looked her in the eyes and she knew that for once he didn't put on any mask.

\- Why are you doing this Jane? Why are you torturing yourself? It's not your fault, it's mine. I should've listened to you.

\- I've never imagined that it would get so twisted. - He mumbled, ignoring her previous words. - You're the only person I can trust now and still, I've disappointed you. I'm sorry.

She looked him in the eyes and felt a lump in her throat. After all this time, her feelings for him hadn't changed. She knew it would only bring her heartbreak but it was too late to get cold feet.

\- I know you have a tendency to make a martyr of yourself and take all the blame. - She said and felt a familiar heavy weight on her shoulders as she realized something. It seemed like she'd gotten used to this feeling. - This situation is both our faults. I should've listened to you but you shouldn't have tricked me so many times that I stopped listening.

\- I already told you, I can't promise you anything. This is too important.

\- More important than me? Than us? - She asked and words stuck in his mouth. - What if you had to choose between me and him?

\- What do you mean?

\- What if you had to choose between being with me and killing him? Who would you choose?

\- I've already chosen. - He replied and his words cut through her heart like a cold sharp knife, even though she'd expected that. She let go of his hand and looked away.

\- I'm tired of having this back-and-forth thing with you. - She sighed while covering her eyes with her hand. - Just do what you have to do. My only wish is for you to survive and for this son of a bitch to get what he deserves. I want to finally sleep well at night and stop pretending that I'm not scared, even if that's how I feel fifty percent of time.

\- What about the remaining fifty?

\- Thirty percent is being angry. - She hesitated under his intense gaze. - Y-you know what the last twenty is.

\- Yes, I do.

They remained silent for a while, their eyes locked. Once again, there were so many indescribable feelings in their hearts, so many mixed signals, understatements and misunderstandings. He wished he could be honest with her in this moment, just like he'd been that one night at the rooftop – the only time they'd been brutally honest with each other, not hiding anything, and the last time they could've pretended that everything was fine.

\- If you still have some feelings for me left... - She murmured shyly. - Could you hold me like you did that one weekend? One last time?

Without any hesitation he stood up and laid down on one side of the bed. She instinctively put her head in the crook of his neck and held onto his shirt like it was the only thing keeping her alive. He tightly wrapped his arms around her and breathed in her smell. All the memories they had created flew through his mind and got mixed up with his thoughts.

In every love story there are some things that keep the couple away. It happened that he and Lisbon couldn't be together, because Devil himself decided to wander the Earth in the form of Red John. He created this story which they'd gotten so twisted up in that a Gordian knot seemed to be a simple bow.

They had done things – dangerous and illegal things – that they had never thought would even come to their minds. They had lost people's trust, they'd been betrayed and the worst of all – they had underestimated Red John, just like he'd done a couple of years ago, when all of this had started.

There were no rules in this game anymore - just him fighting his own demons.

His revenge on Red John was motivated not only by his anger, but also his conscience. He'd known very well that his wife and daughter's deaths had been his fault. By playing with Red John, he'd practically killed them himself. And to live with their blood on his hands was impossible. What's more, he had been a terrible person his whole life. He'd used hundreds of miserable people and had even taken advantage of those close to him. That's why he knew he couldn't just let everything go and start a new life - with her. He had to make amends for all the things that he'd done.

After a long time of planning and rethinking all of the possible outcomes, he'd come to one conclusion - if hurting Lisbon and killing Red John were the only things keeping him away from his final redemption, then he was willing to commit them. These two horrible things, in his situation, were benevolences. Even though he would hate himself for the rest of his life for breaking her heart.

\- Tell me everything's gonna be alright. - Lisbon's weak voice brought his focus back to the hospital room. He looked down at her and saw a shining line down her pale cheek.

He'd been on the right track. He'd been so focused on his quest, so cold and distant, but somewhere along the way she'd started to poke a hole through his thick shell and reminded him how to be human. How to love and be loved. How to make the demons scream a little quieter.

If it weren't for the Red John's case, would they ever develop this unique relationship? Would they even meet? And at the end of the day – was there really any hope for them?

\- You know I'm not a psychic. - He smiled bitterly, trying to cheer her up a bit.

\- Then pretend. Lie to me. Mislead me. Trick me. - Her voice cracked at the last words and she cleared her throat. He could hear how desperate and lost she was. - After all, you're really good at it.

If he still hadn't broken her heart, he was going to do that soon. His actions had already hurt her countless times. He felt that, at the same time, their love was the best and the worst thing that could've happened in their position. They had helped each other along the way, but at the finish line, they were both going to get tragically hurt.

There was no going back, so the only thing he could do now was to do what she wished – lie to her. Mislead her. Trick her. And then leave her and hope that someday she'd be happy with someone else. That someday she'd forgive him.

\- Everything's gonna be alright, Teresa. Everything's gonna be just fine. - He whispered, his voice warm and calm, though with every word his migraine got worse and worse. - This time in two years we'll be lying in bed just like that one Sunday morning, but this time, it'll be raining and the sky will be gray. The bedroom will be warm and cozy, I'll be watching how you slowly wake up and smile at me. We'll talk about the present and the future, leaving the past behind. I'll tell you how much I love you and you'll say that you know, because I tell you that every morning. We'll be honest with each other and no one will stand in our way. We'll have our own house with a small garden, where we'll eat breakfast in the morning and drink wine in the night. Where we'll grow our own orange trees.

\- Like in my dream?

\- Just like in your dream. - He softly kissed her hair. The room became blurred out as tears appeared in his eyes. _Why_ _does it have to be so difficult_ _?_

\- Do you remember that elderly couple in the park? - Her eyes got heavier and heavier as his touch slowly put her to sleep. - Could it ever be us?

\- Of course.

\- You're so good at lying, you could make a living out of it. - She chuckled bitterly.

\- I'll think about it. - He smiled faintly through tears. After a minute, she was sleeping peacefully in his arms, her warm and steady breath on his neck.

Even though he wanted to stay like this forever and pretend like the world outside this room didn't exist, he found himself falling asleep and he couldn't allow himself to do that. He needed to protect her while he still could. And they weren't safe even in the hospital.

He gently freed himself out of her embrace and sat back in his chair.

When Rigsby and Cho came to change him, he refused to even move from his place. After a couple of minutes of arguing, they finally gave up, left him some food and came back to the CBI.

When she got sent home the next morning, he had already remembered every feature of her face, the rhythm of her breathing while she'd slept and the way she'd looked at him when she had finally woken up and found him once again at her side.

He promised himself to never forget that look.


	10. Chapter 10

**Note: Sorry it took me so long to write another chapter. What can I say – college. Next chapter will probably be the last one (if I don't decide to write an epilogue), but I've got some ideas for different fanfictions. I hope you enjoy this one!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Mentalist.**

The air was so hot and humid, his light blue shirt was sticking to his sweaty skin. A thousandth mosquito sat on his cheek and Jane didn't even move. He was already cruelly stung. The walls were so thin he could hear his old neighbor snore. He would have had hypnotized her ages ago but the language barrier made that impossible.

After a couple of months spent in a south-American country, his Spanish got from "Hello, my name is Patrick" to "Choose a card and don't show it to me". When he had come to this island it had frustrated him a lot more than it did now. There had been a couple of unpleasant situations when someone had joked about him in his presence and he had no idea what had been going on or how to respond.

Fortunately, there were a few people who spoke English and had been very helpful and kind to him, even though they didn't know him. Some boy had even offered to give him Spanish lessons in exchange for some magic tricks.

Jane turned on his back and sighed heavily. No position seemed comfortable enough to even rest for a while, so he finally sat up, frustrated and exhausted. The weather had been the same for over two weeks and even the locals didn't seem to take that well.

Since the weather had changed, his mental state had been getting worse and worse with every night. Sleep-deprivation was something he had lived with for over a decade but this particular time it had become unbearable.

"I wish I wasn't here".

As he became aware of this thought, echoing in his mind, his breath got heavier. His modest and a little messy bedroom turned into a cage. The paper-thin walls were coming closer and closer his way.

"I wish I was with her".

The neighbor's snore and the ringing of his quickened heartbeat merged together into a piercing squeak in his ears. He opened his mouth wide, gasping for air, which was so sultry he ultimately stormed out of the room.

It was well after midnight and the island was fast asleep. Only parrots and other wild animals seemed to be active. The sky was pitch-black, decorated with billions of stars. The moon was new.

As he walked down the street, a blurred cloud of raised sand formed behind him. His thoughts rushed through his mind so quickly, he couldn't understand any of them. Only single words stood out from this mess: "island", "Red John", "prison", "exile".

"Teresa".

Cold sensation against his feet brought him his focus back. He looked around, confused, and after a minute realized that he was standing to his ankles in the ocean. The water felt so refreshing and relaxing, without much thinking Jane started undressing. He vacantly threw clothes on the ground and slowly submerged in the water, bare.

When he lost ground under his feet, he laid on his back and let waves carry him further away from the shore. He opened his eyes and found that, strangely, the stars formed into the shape of her face. She was looking down at him, two bright sparkles in her emerald eyes. Her rosy lips curved in a kind smile.

"I'm here for you. I'll always be", he heard her say. "I think I've fallen for you, too".

Memories flashed before his eyes, as she continued.

"Your eyes are blue."

"You were an amazing father, Patrick."

"I think what I'm trying to say is... thank you… for staying. Even though you've got your own mess."

"I was cold."

"This golden sunlight makes anything more beautiful than it actually is."

"I can't do it. We can't do it."

"Close the front door on your way out."

"Did I satisfy your curiosity?"

"Patrick. Jane. Jane. Patrick. It's weird – even when I repeat your name many times, it doesn't lose its sense like any other word would."

"I wish I didn't love you. I wish you loved me."

"Yes. I do."

"Maybe start with not treating me like I'm not smart or good enough to be working with you."

"And when we're at work, it's either 'Lisbon' or 'boss'. Understood?"

"What if you had to choose between being with me and killing him? Who would you choose?"

"If you still have some feelings for me left…"

"Then pretend."

She was once again talking to him, speaking the words that left an everlasting mark on his soul. Words that hurt, gladden or exasperated him. Words of truth and outright lies.

He watched this movie about them displayed on the night sky and was so focused on the stars forming into different expressions of her face, that he believed for a moment she was before him, smiling, frowning, crying. He put his arm up to wipe a shining tear from her cheek.

He closed his eyes and imagined her, lying next to him in her bedroom, smiling softly, her gaze still sleepy and a little unfocused. The sunlight created golden reflects in her hair and played with her freckled cheek, making it delicately flushed and warm.

She smiled at him and it made his skin tingle.

\- Why didn't you pick this life? Why did you pick him, love? - She whispered into his ear and her breath reminded him of a summer breeze. - Are you happy now?

\- No. - Once he heard his own, raspy voice, he realized he couldn't feel her silky skin under his fingertips. He opened his eyes and found himself dangerously far from the land.

Waves became higher and stronger. Cold water, which felt so ecstatic at first, now made his blood thicken. He started swimming back to the shore and halfway there he noticed a slim silhouette holding a flashlight.

When he finally felt the ground under his feet, he found that the mysterious figure was a young man working at the nearest store – Pedro. He greeted the boy who quickly looked away as he noticed Jane's nudity.

\- Thank you for your concern, Pedro, but I'm alright. Go back to your home and have a good night's sleep. - Jane said while putting his clothes on. Pedro hesitated for a moment, but then obediently went back to the town, leaving Jane alone with a storm inside him.

As soon as the boy's shadow disappeared behind dunes, he looked up at the sky, hoping to once again see Lisbon's face. But she was gone. All that was left was an unimaginably huge hole in his heart.

He knew exactly what could temporarily ease the pain.

A short moment later, he was back at his apartment, brewing a cup of tea. Since the Mendelssohn's case he had always had a bag of this sweetly scented leaves with him. He sat at the table and quickly drank the tea, burning his mouth in the process.

\- It's so hot here. Don't you have any AC?

He turned his head and found her sitting on the windowsill and fanning herself with her hand. He didn't answer her rhetorical question, being too stunned by this image. Dark brown hair made a wonderful contrast with her skin, almost as white as the nightgown she was wearing. Somehow she reminded him of romantic aesthetics – unrequited love, mysticism, pain, beauty.

\- Why am I here? - She asked, a tone of sadness in her voice. - Why are you seeing me and not your daughter or wife like you used to?

\- I've already told you. By killing Red John I closed that stage of my life. Now I'm in a new place and apparently you're meant to be here with me.

\- You don't believe in fate. - Her comment made his mouth curve into a smile, but his eyes tear up. Even Lisbon from his subconscious knew him better than he knew himself. - What do you want me to do? You wouldn't get high without a reason.

\- I want you to help me. - He finally replied, watching her carefully as she walked towards him and crouched down in front of him. - It's been almost seven months since I fled and I think it's time to write you a letter, but I don't know what words should I use to make you hate me less.

\- Well, first of all, I don't hate you. I might be mildly disappointed, but I miss you more than am angry with you.

He couldn't help but touch her cheek and caress it gently. The look in her eyes immediately changed and she moved closer, supporting her weight on his thighs.

\- It's gonna be alright. It's only temporary. You're gonna come back. - She whispered into his lips, her words leaving a bittersweet taste on his tongue. - At least we're under the same sky.


	11. Chapter 11

**Note: Finally, the final chapter! Sorry it took me so long. I would like to thank those who gave reviews, especially** **LouiseKurylo.** **I value your feedback very much :D I really hope you enjoy this one. I've got more ideas for other fanfictions so stay tuned for that!**

 **D** **isclaimer: I don't own the Mentalist.**

"Last night I dreamt  
That somebody loved me  
No hope, no harm  
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt  
Real arms around me  
No hope, no harm  
Just another false alarm"

The room was dark, with a single rectangular patch of orange street light on the floor.  
A piece of paper that she held in her hand was shaking. You could think it was because of the crisp night air coming through an open window, but it was her sob, silenced by the music, that actually caused this rapid trembling.

Said paper was nothing else but Jane's last letter to her. It was short in comparison to other letters he had sent her.

"My dearest Teresa,

I don't know when I will be able to write you again. I don't know if I'll even be able to do that. I can't say much. Please, don't worry about me, I have a plan.

If this letter is going to be the last one, then you should know that the things I told you that one night at the rooftop are still relevant. And if we're never going to meet again, I want you to forget me and live your life to the fullest. You deserve to have a loving husband and beautiful children. I wish you all the best.

If, however, we shall meet again, I want you to know that I still love you and I deeply hope that you still love me. Please, be patient with me.

Yours truly,

Patrick"

The song suddenly stopped as she read the letter for a hundredth time. The silence reminded her of the first time she read these words. It reminded her of the kitchen floor wet with coffee she had spilled; of the odor of her own sweat because she had stayed in the bed for an entire weekend and hadn't even showered; of the fact that food had become tasteless.

Fortunately, not even six months had passed when she had received a phone call from an FBI agent ordering her to go to Austin as soon as possible. She still remembered the events like it was yesterday:

First, she thought that it had something to do with Red John's case or that Abbott wanted something from her. On the plane she gotn a panic attack because she realized that it could have something to do with Jane.

After a couple of hours she was sat in a cold, plain room without a word of explanation. And then she heard the door open and the smell of his cologne filled her nostrils. The room started to spin and she tried to rationalize the situation, but her heart already knew that it was Jane.

She quickly turned around, maybe a bit too quickly, and she saw him. He looked nothing like the old Jane from the CBI – he had longer hair, a beard, no vest and a tropical shirt. It was odd but she didn't care. The only thing she cared about was to hug him and never let him go.

When he smiled, a shiver ran down her spine, and in a split second she ran up to him and wrapped her hands tightly around him. She barely remembered what happened next. In a matter of weeks she moved to Austin and started to work for the FBI.

Back in that empty room when they had reunited, she had thought that she would have had her happy ending. That everything would have been fine. After all, Jane still had loved her and she had still loved him. Almost three months had passed and there she was, disappointed and heartbroken.

The scent of her favorite vanilla candle calmed her down a little. A car passed by her house, making a disturbing noise. It reminded her of the time when, as a child, she used to sit on a windowsill and count the cars driving on the street. This sweet memory of her early childhood, when her mom was still alive and her family wasn't shattered by her father, brought her comfort and a warm fuzzy feeling in her stomach.

"That's enough", she thought. "Tomorrow I'm gonna go to his place and lay all things on the table. If he rejects me, fair enough. At least I'll be free to move on". In one steady motion she closed the window, took a deep breath in and wiped the tears off of her flushed cheeks. Filled with determination she turned on her laptop and sat down to write a report on the recent case.

The troubling thoughts kept occupying her mind like stormy clouds occupy the sky in the early autumn, but she tried to stay focused which didn't come as easily as she hoped it would. After only an hour she needed to take a break, so she went to the kitchen to make herself some tea. She opened a kitchen cabinet and she froze in place on the sight of a turquoise cup.

Half an hour later, she found herself on a parking lot near Jane's apartment block. It took her some time to realize where she was and how she had gotten there. She looked at the neon clock just above the car radio and sighed.

\- 1 am. Tomorrow it is, might as well get it done now. - She decided and went out of the car.

Jane answered the door after five minutes when Lisbon was already turning around to walk away.

\- Teresa? - He asked, shocked by her presence, and stared at her for a little too long. - What are you doing here?

\- We need to talk.

All the courage that she had gathered in her heart vanished immediately after she walked into his apartment. As soon as she entered the living room, she felt a familiar sweet scent, though she couldn't recognize what it was.

\- Move aside, we have a guest. - He said and waved his hand at the armchair.

\- Who are you talking to? - Lisbon asked, concerned, knowing that there were alone.

\- What? Oh, no one. Would you like some tea?

He didn't even wait for her answer. After a minute, he returned from the kitchen with two cups of steaming tea in his hands. Lisbon sat down next to him on the sofa.

\- So what brings you here at this ungodly hour? - He asked, slowly sipping on his tea. He seemed distant, which made it even more difficult for her. She was already starting to regret coming there.

She looked into his eyes, searching for a glimpse of something that would encourage her. A sparkle of joy, a hint of affection. Anything. The silence between them was overpowering and the sweet scent that filled the room made her dizzy. His question still waited for its answer.

Only now did she really look at him and notice how much his appearance had changed after two years of being in exile. It made her heart sink to her stomach. How could she not perceive the deepened lines on his face, the messy uneven cut hair, the more loosely looking shirts on his torso.

She blushed under his intense stare. There was something disturbing about it. Some kind of insanity that she had seen in his eyes only a few times. He moved a little closer to her and she noticed that his pupils were so dilated that they almost covered his blue irises.

Then, all pieces of the puzzle fell into the right place in her mind. She took a sip of the tea and immediately spat it out.

\- That's quite rude, don't you think, Lisbon? - He asked but she didn't even hear him. Her thoughts were going a hundred miles an hour.

\- For how long have you been drinking Belladonna? - He tried to look hurt by this accusation but her piercing gaze made him drop the mask. - I'm still waiting, Jane.

\- I've been drinking it occasionally since the Mendelssohn's case. - He confessed, looking down at his hands. - After I fled to the island it became more of a habit.

\- Why? - She was more concerned than disappointed.

\- If you read my letters then you know that it was a rather dark period of my life. - Little did he know that she had read every single letter so many times that she knew some of them by heart. As he said these words, he looked her in the eyes and she saw in them nothing else but sorrow - deep, kept in a cage for far too long. Then, he snorted. - It seems like my life just keeps being dark.

\- Do you see her? Charlotte?

\- No. Only you. - She felt weak to her knees, even though she was sitting down. His gaze was electrifying. - Since I killed him, there's been only you. Nothing else and no one else. You.

\- Why haven't you done anything after we came to Austin? - She finally asked the question that had been on her mind for weeks. In response, he looked at the armchair.

\- I think I've been having trouble realizing that I'm back. That the Lisbon sitting right there isn't real. I've always known that she's not you, because her skin smells like cinnamon and yours smells like oranges and rain, but the resemblance is still uncanny. - He turned and moved closer to her. The air around them became sultry. - Help me define what's real and what's not. - His voice was filled with desperation. - Please…

His fingertips started gliding against her skin. They outlined her cheekbones, jawline, temples. He hesitated before touching her soft lips. Her breath became shallow as she watched him intensively. His hands went down to her neck, shoulders and then waist, making her skin tingle. When he looked up to meet her gaze, she was sure her heart stopped beating. His face was so close to hers that she could feel his warm unsteady breath on her skin.

\- Show me that you're real. - He whispered.

So she did. She closed the gap between them and forgot about everything.

She forgot what they had been through. How many times she had cried because of him. That he'd chosen a serial killer over her. That he'd run away from her. That he was high. That they both were so messed up inside. All that she thought about was how much she had missed him, how much she had longed for his touch.

He forced her down on the couch and nearly crushed her with his weight.

\- I want you. - He mumbled into her mouth and moved down to her neck. - The real you. Now.

Things started escalating too quickly too soon and she got cold feet. She pushed him away and the sensation of chilly air hitting the burning hot spot Jane's lips left near her collarbone made her rethink that decision.

\- You're still high on Belladonna. - She said, breathing heavily. For a moment he looked disappointed and even offended, but then he left one last soft kiss on her lips and stood up.

\- It's late, you can sleep over if you want. - He said while walking off to the kitchen with the two cups.

\- Thanks.

Not even half an hour had passed when they were lying in his bed, Lisbon dressed up in one of his pajama shirts. His arm was resting on her waist.

She was on the verge of sleep when he started shaking. Then, a sob escaped his throat. She turned around and instinctively wiped tears from his face. He shifted and put his head on her chest, holding her so tightly that for a moment she had trouble breathing.

Sunk in a red haze from a neon light outside the window, they clung to each other and neither of them no longer knew where their own body ended and the other one's began. They both cried, overwhelmed by their own emotions. He kissed the skin between her breasts where his tears left a wet mark and this time she didn't push him away.

She slowly unbuttoned his shirt and helped him out of it. Soon, there was nothing standing in their way. Her cheeks were still wet from crying when he whispered into her mouth.

\- I love you.

\- I love you. - She responded and she could feel his lips curve into a smile.

Then, they became one. And when she screamed his name, they reached their catharsis.

Falling asleep in each other's arms felt like they had been doing it since the beginning of time. The next morning was one of countless mornings they would wake up together and promise that nothing would keep them apart ever again.


End file.
